El Camino, what was it all about?!

So I am back, the world is still the same and I am still the same! Well expecting that everything will change in 10 days is not logical! But who said that I am a logical woman!

I expected that the road will make me feel better, see clearer and may be bring some new in my life! These were my main objectives to hike El Camino de Santiago de Comostella.

Afraid to do it alone, as I am an oriental girl after all, who has a constant embedded fear that she will get very hurt if she travels alone! Well nothing ever  happened to me till now! But yet I carry this burden wherever I go. So I invited all those I know who  might be interested in hiking and travelling in general. Big mistake I would say! Not because I didn’t enjoy my co-travelers company, at all! But because the presence of the others were distracting somehow!

I was supposed to hike five to six days  in a raw, I ended up just doing four, accommodating with my company rhythm and desires. Well this is what it implies when you travel with others, you compromise! This was not a big tragedy but it revealed me some truth about myself. I am a stubborn woman who like to put pressure on herself and compromising wasn’t in my plans this time, which left me a bit unsatisfied and frustrated that I had to follow the others, even though that was for my own benefit.  I almost hurt badly my right knee during the first day, walking 28km crossing the Pyrenees up to 1440 km of altitude. If it was up to me, this injury would not stop me, but thank God I had the others to stop me from hurting it more! ٍ So we took it easy next day and even rested in Pamplona the third day of the hike.

One of these days, while sleeping at the Church of Cisor Minor, where we spent the night on mattresses as there were no beds available to sleep, I laid down exhausted with almost a broken knee, stroke, I was, by the cruel and fascinating truth about the road.

On my stomach with an aching knee, I wondered why ever I wanted to do this walk: To prove the world how special and different I am? To forget about  a guy or to  impress another one? To discover myself or to challenge it? To find God and peace or just lose my soul to my demons?

On the free lands of hope and deception, my mind always swung between a mix of thoughts. During the long hours walking in the sun, my mind was only repeating lies; imagine stories and conversations fed by a wounded ego from the past or an illusive fear from the future. I was never in the NOW! I was not living the current moment. And my heart was constantly overwhelmed by pain and deception.

I was searching for peace, did I find it?  I don’t know! I am not sure, may be …

There were these moments, these rare moments where I was taken by surprise by a breath taking nature scenery. Stroke and almost smashed by the beauty and the serenity of God’ creation! And in these moments I just forgot everything, my fears, my dreams, my deceptions and I was totally taken by nature. Someone on the road told me: “don’t forget these tears in your eyes, these are the crystals of your soul!” Well a wounded soul then! i simply wonder when it will totally heal?

However, these moments were that flashy and ephemeral that I can’t remember them anymore. Anyway, why I would ask them constancy in a world in constant change?

I am not sure anymore about my real motive for taking the road! But what I know for sure that the one should watch out the road, it makes you meet face to face with the only thing that you spend your life to flee, it makes you meet YOURSELF!  Which is good by the way. Knowing the oneself would be the first step for awareness! and Awareness to change! But can the one handle the truth and the change! I believe not! No wonder why many people simply live in denial!

On the power of healing

I remember in 2007, I had the first operation that I can remember, in my adult life. An operation in my stomach. I still can touch daily the sensitive skin of the old wound. It was not a dangerous operation but I had by then to stay at least one week in bed on my back.

I was constantly amazed during this week by the power of healing: a power that I don’t have any real control of as it was embedded in my system. First day I was in horrible pain, I coundn’t sit straight, because each movement was stretching the wound located in a very active and sensitive part of my body: my stomach. Day after day I was getting better, and the wound got less vivid and painful. Day after day, my body was recovering, slowly but magically surely.

And one day I was just fine, healthy and sound in my young body. In this moment, I thanked God for my youth and this power that operated over me. Healing is simply magical.

The same happened to me today, I woke up just fine, after a period where I suffered from a badly wounded soul. I couldn’t locate the wound in me and I will not go into details but I would say it was vivid and with each thought, I was torn by pain.

And I thank God that I am healed, it’s magical.

But I, as all of my mankind, have a short memory. In a moment of health we forget totally the pain, and in a moment of pain we forget totally the health. For the next wound I simply wish to have enough faith to keep a regenerated young soul to be able to receive the magical power of healing.

I dream …

I dream of a wild landscape, a mountain road where I walk all over the way with no aim. My only aim is already imbedded within my soul. Only peace and lot of peace.

From one land to another, from one shore to another, I meet people who I don’t recognize, don’t categorize, don’t stereotype,  neither do they do to me. We meet, we talk, we laugh we marvel about each other, and when it is time to leave. We say adieu and we never look back.

I dream of land, wind and sea, and a space where neither conception nor thoughts are formulated. I dream of peace of the mind. I dream of a memory as white as a baby’ and feelings as strong as an animal’.

I dream of peace, inner-peace and a wild space within myself , within my soul with no borders.

The egos talk …

If something I keep forgetting, and life keeps reminding me of, is never ever attack nor even approach anyone’ ego.

It’s a fact, whenever the one’s ego is attacked, he or she acts like a wounded animal! S/he can justify any act of violence (verbally or even physically) to him/herself towards the person who attacks them.

And in this case, I should not be this person.

So lesson for the future: however I got hurt (ego wise of course), disapointed, pissed off from anyone, I should never ever attack his or her ego.

The catholic education that I had, always urged me to confront, and to speak my mind! Out of honesty! This is a valuable virtue indeed but not in case of anger.

In anger, it is better simply to shut up, leave, move, and change position in order to cool down then think, and most probably confrontational talk will be reviewed, if not forgotten!

Attacking a person’ ego, is nothing but weakness of character. You are simply provoking the worst on them! With no particular good results!   As even “good and kind” people, can be very mean in this situation! They will not come and apologize, or understand how you were wounded and embrace the situation! They simply will attack and attack harshly, by the cruelest way.

Result oriented actions people! Result oriented actions please!

Waiting for a miracle …

In the moment of deep pain of disappointment, some realizations occur in the middle of dark thoughts,

Like realizing that the source of your despair is your deep believe in life and love

You got hurt because simply you believed, or because you didn’t stop to believe despite of your experience in life,

The deep essence of your despair is the fact that you still dream naively by what you always dreamt of since you were  young teenager. The romantic sensitive naïve teen in you is still alive

Your high expectations for a miracle are still there, and ironically you get depressed when the miracle doesn’t happen

Is it good or bad?

The pleasure of being no body

I am nobody!

And before that all my friends, particularly one, who will jump to advice and advocate and trying to convince me how beautiful and smart I am, and the other who will start her preaching about self-appreciation and confidence. Let me explain.

It’s such a pleasure to be nobody!, I am the one who will be overlooked, underestimated, unseen, and unheard! The one who has neither influence, nor her words count. The one who has no decision to take, and people think her opinion has no value.

Isn’t delightful, relieving to be nobody? to step in a community, an event and say loudly what do you really think , honestly and directly? With no well chosen politically correct wording?! And nobody will be really affected and care, because your are this young (?!) little nobody! So hurray for that!

Being nobody helps also to learn and to tam this ego that you grew all over the years. Although I am aware that behind the  sounds-like-pejorative” “I am nobody”, relay all the subtle arrogance of “I AM”.

Pro to be or not to be … This is the question!

I live currently the funny transformation from being a normal person who post angry posts, write funny comments and tweet crap to the “professional manager” to be.

Professional to be or not to be? This is the question!

Well, to tackle in depth the question, I have to do some literature and consult some theories  which will not be feasible now due to the limitation of research time, blablabla (yes, I am in the middle of writing my  final thesis, so basically I will be using a lot of this academic referencing and wording crap!)

But due to the nature of this post, which is totally personal crap! I am not forced to do so. Thus (!!) I will just write about my own personal position toward this transformation.

Working in my early professional life in a corporate and frequenting many people who lived the corporate life to the max, I resisted and even flee this life style and the attitude of “professionals”

An attitude that I judge one of the colonial aspects of the industrial societies: where being “professional” is used as a compliment and associated to all these people dressed up in suits, caring agendas and sophisticated devices, emotionless to the extent of cruelness because a “professional” has no time f or emotions. I found that only in the “professional” settings, being manipulative, expressionless, mean and kick asses are virtues.

Off course this is a stereotype that can’t be generalized, although I find it very common and spread. Especially among all these fresh grads who think that by having this attitude, they re-compensate their lack of experience, and they will accelerate their entry into the business world.

Despite my long battle against this trend, I find myself driven to join the herd of professionals! I added a signature with business links and contacts to my emails.(which is useful by the way I can’t deny it!). I am considering changing my description on twitter and remove my pictures and funny comments from facebook, and of course only blogging about business related issues! And I live now the transformation and I panic. It’s like developing a second identity where you can switch on/switch off : being natural/being professional, forgetting that being professional is mainly being accessible, efficient, helpful and result oriented.

Well this is my last call for help before the complete transformation, especially to my friends, if I started to call our emails exchanges and phone calls “our communication” and if I signed them by “best regards”, please slap me on the face!