The different Narrative of the Self [2]

On the wild beach of Abou Galoum, staring at the sea and the mountain shadows of the other shore of Saudi Arabia, only one month after I took off the veil that I wear for thirteen years. I sit alone and lonely reading.

There, I came across this quote from the book of Jiddu Krishnamurti, Freedom from the Known “[…] We are always comparing what we are with what we should be. The should be is a projection of what we think we ought to be, Contradiction exists when there is comparison not only with something or someone, but with what you were yesterday, and hence there is a conflict about what has been and what is. There is what is only when there is no comparison at all, and you live with what is, is to be peaceful.”

At that moment, these words illuminated something deep in me, almost liberated me, not only from the external world judgment, that I subconsciously feared or challenged, but also and mostly from my own perspective of myself. Continue reading

I disbelieve …

I disbelieve …

Not in God …. But in life! It doesn’t make any sense, it is totally empty of any meaning

And I liberally disbelieve in it! In richness, in success, in achievement, in happiness, in friendship, in love, in any meaning that a man/woman can live for …

There is a say of the Prophet that I always keep thinking of:

“If the Hour (i.e. the Day of Judgment) arrives and in the hand of one of you is a palm shoot or seedling; then if he’s able to plant it before the day of judgment commences, then let him plant it”.

I always considered it as a call for pro-activity and positivity, or why the one will do such an act, totally illogic and useless like plant a seed while he sees the last day of the world happening in front of his eyes? What time or chance this seed has to grow if life ended right now? Who will eat or profit from this seed if no life will be left on Earth, but the prophet say is all about encouraging the one to have good intention and does the good deed even if it seems meaningless and result-less (from our human short sighted point of view)

But I just started to reconsider it the other way around, if this life makes any sense, if it meant to mean any thing, why would we be recommended to do such an act?

What does it mean to achieve anything if after a while you will get used to this “success” and it won’t matter anymore, and you will have another “target” to achieve and run after

What does it mean to have a good pay if you will spend it on belongings that you will use and throw away after a while?, on cloth that won’t fit you or get used anyway?, or on food that you will eat and then you will shit after a while?

What does it mean to have friends that you can’t count on their presence in your life, because they will leave, get married, get busy with kids or you will leave, get married and get busy with kids, or you both leave and then you both will die?

What does it mean to get education or read a book and realize that yet you know nothing about life and there is more and more to learn? that all your real knowledge despite of all your readings are driven from your life experience only! your limited life experience only.

What does it mean to long and desire someone that you won’t get and then after a lot of pain you will get over him/her? what all this pain was for? Or long and desire someone that you will get, get used to his/her presence in your life, take him/her for granted, and then again you both leave or die?

What does it mean to have kids, to raise them, they get old, have a life and you die?

What does it mean to have a good soul and get hurt anyway? or have a mean evil one and get loved anyway?

All what I can see, is a lot of pain to get anything in this life. The happiness of achieving or having something, or someone that we worked hard to get, is like seeing small  sparks in a dark road full of pain and suffer.

All these pictures, that we took in a moment of happiness where we posed and smiled or faked a smile, are completely absurd and non-sense.

I used to say it’s all about the sake of the Journey! But Ithaka doesn’t worth the pain of getting there!

So just for the sake of meaningless, I follow the Prophet recommendation, I plant the seed, even though it’s completely useless act.

This is my statement for now and I declare myself a disbeliever!