The different Narrative of the Self [2]

On the wild beach of Abou Galoum, staring at the sea and the mountain shadows of the other shore of Saudi Arabia, only one month after I took off the veil that I wear for thirteen years. I sit alone and lonely reading.

There, I came across this quote from the book of Jiddu Krishnamurti, Freedom from the Known “[…] We are always comparing what we are with what we should be. The should be is a projection of what we think we ought to be, Contradiction exists when there is comparison not only with something or someone, but with what you were yesterday, and hence there is a conflict about what has been and what is. There is what is only when there is no comparison at all, and you live with what is, is to be peaceful.”

At that moment, these words illuminated something deep in me, almost liberated me, not only from the external world judgment, that I subconsciously feared or challenged, but also and mostly from my own perspective of myself. Continue reading

To The World … Back off!

You know what I think? I think people live to defend their choices, or mainly to prove that what they choose for their life is the right thing to do or to live!

Before I leave to the Netherlands, I got only two reactions from family, friends, colleagues and quittances who knew that I will be leaving for one year for my Masters

From my liberal friends, if we agreed to call them liberal : “oh yeah Heba this will make you good, you will come back completely changed, you will get rid of hijab you will be totally different!” Ah ha, supposing that I’m this enchained poor minded girl, who ya haram the society oppresses her, forcing her to wear, this alienated oppressing dressing code named Hijab (head cover), ya salam! This came from people (meanly women, because unfortunately it’s mainly women who exercise discrimination and alienation against their fellow women in our society) who knew me well, saw me progressing, fighting for my choices and trying to accomplish myself. These same women who, may be, never moved a finger to make their life better, or had the will to really make their own choices and never challenged themselves. But, hey they think they have the superiority over me because simply they don’t wear hijab and I do. And they assume that one trip to Europe , although it’s not my first time to travel and to travel alone , that will LEBERATE ME. HAH!

Now to the other side, which is more conservative, and again coming from women (we should stop to do this to ourselves seriously) but this time, from veiled ones, who pushed it to the extend of warning me from taking it off!  “Don’t dare to take it off!” Walahy?!!

As If I’m this weak person, who will jump to the opportunity to be alone in a neutral environment to take it off! And as if I’ll betray them, as if this hijab, head and body are not my own, but theirs! I’m not wearing it for myself, to get closer to God, to be more spiritual, or to express my belief! No, I’m just wearing it to serve their cause! To prove to the world that their choices in life are the right ones!

From my opinion, the two sides are the same, they don’t really care about me, or how my life, the materialistic and spiritual ones evolving, they only care about proving that they did chose right! that they got the truth and the real essence of life. Of course what I’m writing here in this case can’t be applied on everyone i know, I can’t and I won’t generalise!

But to the two groups of people that I have mentioned, which include some members of family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and belmara the world, I have just one word to tell you! BACK OFF!

After more than 10 years wearing my veil, I may till I die still be wearing it, one year in Europe won’t change it nor liberate me because I AM ALREADY A FREE WOMAN. Or, I may tomorrow take it off and it’ll be my choice, my life! I may decide that I have to find another way to express my faith and live it! Because I AM A MUSLIM AND PROUD.

This is said, have a good night and sleep well ….