Breathe In, Breathe Out, Breathe In And Breathe Oouutt..

I don’t remember when I had my first session of yoga, most probably from five years ago, but what I can remember is the awkwardness and the self-consciousness feelings that I had every time I moved my body. Every time I went to exercise or attended any kind of a session to exercise in order to lose weight, I had this overwhelming experience.

I have been always intimidated by my weight. It is the result of a long history of being bullied by the elders and the strangers. Throughout the years of my younger age and till the current moment, I lived many embarrassing moments and shame. For long time I avoided anything that can reflect the image of my body. Later on I started as an action of self-acceptance, to walk naked and to stare at myself in the mirrors of my room. Continue reading

Renewing My Vows

It has been long since I opened this notebook, it was like a very very old voice coming through the years reminding me of my childhood,

To help a friend in organising a treasure hunt event , I needed to check my old scout notebook, this one which had all the documentation of my self-development through my scout years, all scout trail signs, first aid, general knowledge and scouting related files.

I joined the scout movement in my school “Mouvement de Flammes Girard” (the movement of Girard flames), when I was 8 years old as young flame (this how we called ourselves), and I left when I was ranger in my early twenties,

And here, on these two opened pages of my old notebook, lied down the answers that I have been searching for! Just One look to these two pages, where written the ten scout laws of my movement, helped me to figure out what was really my problem with this world that I’m living in:

Why I feel so disconnected from the world/ my surroundings? Why I can’t settle?  Why I’m always disappointed with people and relationships? What I am keeping looking for? Will I be this eternal traveler (emotionally and physically)? When will I feel grounded? When I will find some peace of mind? Be reconciled with my God, family and myself?

All these whys and whens with no clear answers, until I read these vows that I took in my early age. I looked back to this perfect idealistic world of morals, to this shinny white bubble where we lived, that I carried on and tried to implement wherever I went. All these years, I tried to apply my scout laws in different contexts with different people. They are so en-rooted in me that I can’t really believe that I ever lived without respecting and applying them.  And this is what I kept searching for! Searching of the NeverNeverLand!

Reading my old vows, I had two options, especially by approaching my 30th birthday where I start to evaluate my life differently:

I can either joining the camp of these very practical, efficient , calculative,  pragmatic and skeptical adult people by just laughing at this idealistic world, turning the page, denying this part of me and moving on.

Or as a Flame – worth of her name – I choose to renew my vows, to embrace them, and to be integrated to my deep believes. Usually, this has to be done during a big ceremony in front of a fire camp, but hey what is bigger than this world of anonymous witnesses J

And here I am as Heba el Cheikh – not the Flame, neither La Baleine Habile “skilful Whale” ( my half animal/half quality nickname that I was baptized by when I became a leader) , in front of God, family and friends deliberately promise to be:

1-      Basing my honour to be worthy of confidence.

2-      Loyal

3-       Useful and help others without expecting anything in return

4-       Everyone’s friend and sister to all others, regardless of creed, race or social class.

5-       Polite and respectful to the others

6-       Obey (to my values) without mirrors and nothing by halves.

7-       See in nature the work of God, protect animals and plants.

8-       Smile and sing in the difficulties

9-       Affordable, hardworking and thorough the good of others

10-   Clean and healthy, pure thoughts, words and actions.

And I salute you all ,

promising to respect always

1-      God, Family and Country

2-      The Scout laws in all circumstances

3-      Respect the elder

4-      And protect the youngest

May God be my witness! Amen! 🙂