I am grateful!
I am never been that much grateful before. I am grateful for my understanding of concepts and ideas that I didn’t understand before. I am grateful for the ability to learn and to develop. I am grateful for being older and mature.
I am grateful for being able to communicate in different language s with different medium and to understand different cultural, political and social contexts.
I am so grateful that for the first time from long time I feel in my element, confident, I understand easier, reflect easier and respond wisely and smartly.
This comfort and easiness are so new for me, that I am almost scared! This is a completely unfamiliar territory for me. I am not used to getting anything easily nor confidently.
Self-doubt, self-blame, anxiety and tension were always the drive for any achievement or new learning I gained during my life.
While living this change, this vacuum of doubts and anxiety, feeling the responsibility toward the world and the guilt for not doing what I am supposed to do, I am looking and observing what is left behind.
Emptiness and silence. Quiet moments and stillness.
I reflect now on what I am doing here in my secondment at The city of culture Hull2017, enrolled in the Clore Leadership Program. I am here to observe and to learn about organizations structures and leadership styles, I find myself the least interested and lack of curiosity about the topic.
Before, I was driven by my self-doubt or fear not to be competent enough to be a leader or my lack of focus or understanding to the environment where I operate, or not be able to deal with these professional concerns and topics.
Now after I am more relaxed and confident about all of this, I realize that I am pursuing these meetings and discussions about the management, the leadership, the sustainability, the legacy of an organization or even the impact of the art on individuals, communities, societies and the city, out of responsibility for the program and my organization back home, not out of real curiosity and passion about them or even about the world.
From my personal drives and passion. I don’t want to do anything with all this nor with the rest of the word. I seek peace, deep and real connection with individuals, warmth, fun and love.
I want to spend my mornings alone working or writing in front of my screen in a quiet sunny room, and not to mingle with humans. My evenings, I want to spend them watching movies, performances and arts. Enjoy the magic and sparks, and to end them with a long walk home under the moonlight. I need in these walks to have my love holding me in his arms protecting me and accepting that I really don’t want to deal with world.
Not out of self doubt and isolation, but out of self-sufficiency and content.