El Camino, what was it all about?!

So I am back, the world is still the same and I am still the same! Well expecting that everything will change in 10 days is not logical! But who said that I am a logical woman!

I expected that the road will make me feel better, see clearer and may be bring some new in my life! These were my main objectives to hike El Camino de Santiago de Comostella.

Afraid to do it alone, as I am an oriental girl after all, who has a constant embedded fear that she will get very hurt if she travels alone! Well nothing ever  happened to me till now! But yet I carry this burden wherever I go. So I invited all those I know who  might be interested in hiking and travelling in general. Big mistake I would say! Not because I didn’t enjoy my co-travelers company, at all! But because the presence of the others were distracting somehow!

I was supposed to hike five to six days  in a raw, I ended up just doing four, accommodating with my company rhythm and desires. Well this is what it implies when you travel with others, you compromise! This was not a big tragedy but it revealed me some truth about myself. I am a stubborn woman who like to put pressure on herself and compromising wasn’t in my plans this time, which left me a bit unsatisfied and frustrated that I had to follow the others, even though that was for my own benefit.  I almost hurt badly my right knee during the first day, walking 28km crossing the Pyrenees up to 1440 km of altitude. If it was up to me, this injury would not stop me, but thank God I had the others to stop me from hurting it more! ٍ So we took it easy next day and even rested in Pamplona the third day of the hike.

One of these days, while sleeping at the Church of Cisor Minor, where we spent the night on mattresses as there were no beds available to sleep, I laid down exhausted with almost a broken knee, stroke, I was, by the cruel and fascinating truth about the road.

On my stomach with an aching knee, I wondered why ever I wanted to do this walk: To prove the world how special and different I am? To forget about  a guy or to  impress another one? To discover myself or to challenge it? To find God and peace or just lose my soul to my demons?

On the free lands of hope and deception, my mind always swung between a mix of thoughts. During the long hours walking in the sun, my mind was only repeating lies; imagine stories and conversations fed by a wounded ego from the past or an illusive fear from the future. I was never in the NOW! I was not living the current moment. And my heart was constantly overwhelmed by pain and deception.

I was searching for peace, did I find it?  I don’t know! I am not sure, may be …

There were these moments, these rare moments where I was taken by surprise by a breath taking nature scenery. Stroke and almost smashed by the beauty and the serenity of God’ creation! And in these moments I just forgot everything, my fears, my dreams, my deceptions and I was totally taken by nature. Someone on the road told me: “don’t forget these tears in your eyes, these are the crystals of your soul!” Well a wounded soul then! i simply wonder when it will totally heal?

However, these moments were that flashy and ephemeral that I can’t remember them anymore. Anyway, why I would ask them constancy in a world in constant change?

I am not sure anymore about my real motive for taking the road! But what I know for sure that the one should watch out the road, it makes you meet face to face with the only thing that you spend your life to flee, it makes you meet YOURSELF!  Which is good by the way. Knowing the oneself would be the first step for awareness! and Awareness to change! But can the one handle the truth and the change! I believe not! No wonder why many people simply live in denial!